Bachelor: Pararomance Style

If you’ve watched The Bachelor this season you know the finale airs Monday.

Just-A-Good-Guy-Jake has to chose between Too-Good-To-Be-True-Tenley and Cross-Eyed-Vixen-Vienna. I don’t know how the ending is going to play out. (Okay, maybe I peeked at RealitySteve awhile back. Maybe…)

But this is how I think the ending should go. And I’ll even toss in an expected Bachelor twist (oxymoron, anyone?) and obscene, waaaay over the top crying that’s bound to rear its ugly head.

Jake: I’ve got these two amazing girls and I’ve fallen in love with both of them. At the end of the day I’ve got to break one of their hearts. Gosh-golly-gee (grin and dimple shot), I just don’t know what I’m going to do.

(Enter Vienna swinging hips. Baw-chicka-ba-wa music playing in background)

Vienna: Jake, can I talk to you for a minute? (hushed voice, mikes barely pick up)

Jake: Sure, but we’re about to start the finale and the producers want to take one last picture of me on my Harley in front of the sunset as this jet streaks by.

(Jet streaks by)

Vienna: (Looks into his eyes with her one good eye, then her other one.) I love you, Jake. I just want to be with you. You’re not like other guys. You look past my freakish dressing up dogs fetish and see right through me…to me.

Jake: Yes. I do. And I love that you wear your bikini when we sail even though it’s twenty degrees outside. Gee-wiz Vienna, you’re swell. I’ll see you at the rose ceremony.

(Vienna crushes her lips to his in a too-forced-fevered moment, then exits, leaving him with do-anything-to-bone-her-eyes and red lips.)

(Enter Tenley who dances on tiptoe, arms overhead, to the Sound of Music)

Tenley: Jake, I’ve waited all day to tell you this one thing.

Jake: Yes Tenley?

(Bird chirps and lands on the tip of her finger)

Tenley: I love you better than my ex-husband. My ex-husband treated me bad. He wasn’t a good husband and cheated on me. But I’m over my ex-husband. I really am over him. I am. Really. See?

(Tenley dances around Jake as wood animals gather to watch and sing.)

Tenley: My ex-husband never appreciated my dancing. But you do. Not like my ex-husband, who I’m so over. Did I mention I’m over my ex-husband?

Jake: Yes you did. But I don’t care anyway because I’m blinded by the reality of all these fantasy dates. I loved your dance. No one has ever danced for me before. Not even the girls at Centerfolds. (delete during editing: goes against good-boy-image. replace with No one has ever danced for me before. Not even my mother.)

Tenley: I’ve never felt this way. Not even with my ex-husband.

Jake: I’ve never felt this way before either. (His wicked-white fangs elongate. He taps one with his tongue and smiles.) Tenley, something is happening.

Tenley: (Does three fouettes, her dress a flare behind her. Doesn’t see Jake’s fangs or crimson eyes) I know something’s happening inside me too, Jake! Isn’t it wonderful? The animals are cheering for us!

Jake: No, I think they’re warning you. (Lunges at Tenley’s throat and bites through her jugular, then tilts her back and lies her down on the grass. Sucks hungrily)

(Enter Vienna who thinks they’re gratuitously making out)

Vienna: NO! Jake! I thought you loved me! Where’s a therapeutic shopping spree when a girl needs one? Daddy?!? (Runs away, sobbing into hands)

(Jake detaches from Tenley’s neck. Licks traces of her blood from his lips as jet flies by again.)

Tenley: (touches wound on neck) I should’ve never left my ex-husband!

Jake: It’s time for this Bachelor to depart. I’ve gotta date with Kristen Stewart from Twilight and I’m gonna show her what it really means to be “a nice guy”. Sorry Tenley. Sometimes good girls finish last too. Gosh-golly, maybe if you show some cleavage you could be the next Bachelorette.

(He grins, dimples and all, then vanishes, giving Bachelor its highest ratings to date.)

So whatcha think about my version? I think it’s pretty good. I like Jake better this way for some reason…can’t think of why…*wink. (Then I vanish to the couch to watch what’s really going to happen…)


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