Top Ten Things I should not be doing on a sweltering summer morning, but find myself doing anyway.
10-Checking facebook, twitter, my email and every blog I can get my grubby little fingers on. Except my fingers aren’t grubby because all I’ve eaten for breakfast is a granola bar and a lukewarm cup of Folgers.
9-I SHOULDN’T BE DRINKING FOLGERS! I should be drinking Starbucks or Seattle’s Finest or something iced and fancy yet oh so fattening but I won’t be squeezing into a bikini any time soon so the last part should be mute, shouldn’t it?
8-Watching grass grow out my kitchen window. Seriously. Husband and I are lucky enough to have a gardener who pays attention to our huge yard on Tuesday mornings. Only he hasn’t been paying nearly enough attention for the money we pay him. Last week he was a no-show. He’s about to be one house short of a burrito truck run. Meanwhile the grass blades are reaching boldly for the sky like they’re up for re-election.
7-I shouldn’t still be in my PJs. It’s well past the “acceptable grown-up hour” for lounging around and has now officially skid into the “loser-get-your-ass-in-gear hour.” I’d go on and on about how the internet sucked me in, but you all know how that goes…or maybe you have better things to do on a Tuesday morning. Man, I really need to get my ass in gear.
6-Listening to “Pinky and the Brain”. Husband has decided there’s nothing funnier than a “I’m Going to Take Over the World” Brainiac ringtone. Just in case you were in a coma for the 1990’s, here’s a snippet from “Pinky and the Brain”.
5-Okay, really? I shouldn’t get that much enjoyment out of watching a kids cartoon. Makes me think I should go back to watching Sunday morning cartoons with my kids…come to think of it, all I’d watch now is Dora and her square head deny any animalistic attraction to Boots and his boots even though we know what’s really going on.
4-Sitting at home. I should be out swimming (or at the very least getting more pool estimates). I should be at the park with the kids before the temperature reaches unbearable levels. I should be visiting aquariums and museums (and sucking off their air conditioning). I should be shopping for more outfits and accessories to wear to RWA National in Orlando. I should be…sleeping.
*Oh, bonus! I hear the lawn mower man! My day just got better.*
3-I shouldn’t be stalking this website like it actually means anything. Nobody can predict earthquakes, right? RIGHT? All I know is I’ve been checking updates for a week wondering when we’re gonna feel the big one. For those of you who don’t want to click on the link, the site reports “a 6.0-7.0 earthquake is likely to hit the San Francisco Bay Area July 26-28 with possible epicenter locations in San Jose or Fremont.” No need to get all frantic (Oakland’s had enough of that with the riots), but I’ve found there’s nothing wrong with taking down high-flying china and gathering flashlights and batteries for radios.
2-I shouldn’t be worrying about things I can’t control. This one happens to me a lot. I shouldn’t worry about the manuscript on submission. It’s out of my hands. I know editors have a lot on their plate and will give Enemy, Beloved the read and consideration it deserves, but damn it…my mind won’t rest. At night I go over the manuscript thinking of ways I could’ve made it better. Every book I read gives me new, fresh ideas and I’m beginning to think my stalking of the quake-site is just me trying to have monitoring control over other things I can’t.
And the number one thing I should not be doing on this sweltering summer Tuesday but find myself doing anyway is…
1-Thinking of ways to make the gardener’s life more complicated. He just left, people…with half the lawn mowed! That’s like eating half an ice cream cone! Or shaving half of your head! Unless you’re Sinead O’Conner on some radical “only eat half of everything” diet, that isn’t going to fly. I’m thinking Husband and I should go sit out on the back porch, in our PJs, drink a Tecate, eat some ice cream after a hefty burrito, and plot How We’re Going To Take Over the World!!!–thereby making his life a giant headache in the process!
*insert wicked evil laugh here