Hello. My name is Kristin. I’m an all-things ‘Bachelor’ addict.
Last night, as I watched yet another spin off called ‘Bachelor Pad’, Husband asked me what I like about the show so much. It got me thinking…
Why on earth do I watch shows where people put their best foot forward, turn their best face toward the camera (as contestants often have two), and go on ridiculous “reality” dates that are FAR from reality.
The answer is the Promise of Love.
It’s fun to watch people fumble around on first dates (as opposed to being the one fumbling). I get to experience a couples beginning with them…and I can judge all I want with no tension and no expectations. I can sit back in my PJs with a bowl of popcorn while the girls get all dressed up and taken out on wild excursions that leave you wondering “how couldn’t a girl fall for this guy?”
Yet every season the couples flounder once they are whisked from La-La land back to real “reality”. It’s the same ole thing. Guy meets hot girl. Guy also meets semi-hot girl. (Oh no! What to do!?!) Guy likes semi-hot girl better, but can’t leave hot girl behind until after fantasy dates. Guy picks hot girl, breaks semi-hot girl’s heart. Hot guy hot girl break up. The end.
So in partial jest, I give you Top Ten Things I’d Like to See on ‘Bachelor Pad’.
10-I’d like to see a fight. Oh, I know the contestants get kicked off the show if they throw the first blow, but come on…they’re not really there for the girl anyway. Stop with the puffing chests and tests of masculinity and just nail the guy in the jaw. Become my real hero. If I were the Bachelorette I just might look you up after the show. (Granted there’s no one hotter than you, of course.)
9-I’d like to see a “real reality date”. How about grocery shopping in Food-4-Less where the clerks are grumpy and there’s kids screaming everywhere and you’ve got to bag your own shit, cart it home, unload it into a packed refrigerator, then make dinner from scratch and do the dishes afterward…and all that after working a 9-5. How’s that for reality? My heart’s swooning already.
8-The uber-hot guy fall for the geeky girl. Wait…that might be my reality.
7-I’d like to see contestants without makeup. It might be a test of true beauty, don’t you think? If you’re watching this season, you have to know Tenley. She’s absolutely stunning. Thin. Tone. Long blonde hair. Bright blue eyes. But she wears about 10 tons of makeup. I wonder what she’s hiding underneath that plaster…
6-Someone actually fall in love. I know there have been a few shows where the couples move on and get married and have kids. (*See Trista Sutter and Jason Mesnick) But isn’t this supposed to be a show where people leave their baggage behind to find love? Or is it an excuse for hot singles to lounge in the sun while stabbing each other in the back? The answer, sadly, is obvious.
5-I want to know how old Gwen is. Did you notice when they streamline her name, occupation an age, the age section shows this: ?? I have two theories. She’s either a really good looking 50 year old woman who has invested in Botox and the best plastic surgery around and doesn’t think anyone will pick her if they know her true age. Or she’s a vampire and wouldn’t want to tip anyone off by saying she’s five hundred years, eleven months, and twenty eight days old. I’m rooting for the second option.
4-I’d like to see someone pick Chris Harrison. He’s got to be the hottest host around. Wouldn’t that be great if one of the women in the house decided she’d rather go with someone more mature…more in touch with his emotions…someone whose salary could make all her worries disappear with the swipe of his VISA.
3-Follow up with the contestants who’ve been kicked off. I just wonder if the producers could get clearance into their mental hospitals…
2-I’d like to see the producers take away the cash prize half way through and watch them scatter like rats leaving a sinking ship in order to expose how shallow they really are. Unless you’re Elizabeth who “is not shallow, but doesn’t know what shallow means”.
And the number one thing I’d like to see on ‘Bachelor Pad’ is…
1-I’d like to see someone in one of the couples (ie: Tenley, Kiptyn, Elizabeth, Kovacs, Dave, Natalie) go all the way to the end. I’d like to see them in love. I’d like to see them promise to spend the money together. EXCEPT…I’d like them to be upfront about the game. Wouldn’t that be great if, up until the finale, you thought the couple was madly in love, only to find out that it was IN FACT a game to win $250,000? I could see Tenley now: “Kiptyn, I love you! Omigosh, we won the money? You’re giving it all up for me? Wow! You must really love me…is the game over yet?” *looks to producers and gets the thumbs up while cameras still roll* “Great.” *looks back to Kiptyn* “I have to tell you something. I came here to win the money. Now that I have, I’m going home the same way I came. Alone. Thanks for making this partnership stronger by investing your feelings…but now I’m going to invest your money.” *kisses Kiptyn on the cheek and leaves, waving the cash in front of her face like a fan*
See? Wouldn’t that make a great ending? Like I said. The reason I watch these shows is the Promise of Love. But the reality is that these relationships hardly ever work. We all know in the back of our minds that these couples will split faster than BPs executives after the gulf oil spill.
It’s just fun to watch the contestants suffer through the process.