Top Ten Things I’d Like to See on ‘Bachelor Pad’

Hello. My name is Kristin. I’m an all-things ‘Bachelor’ addict.

Last night, as I watched yet another spin off called ‘Bachelor Pad’, Husband asked me what I like about the show so much. It got me thinking…

Why on earth do I watch shows where people put their best foot forward, turn their best face toward the camera (as contestants often have two), and go on ridiculous “reality” dates that are FAR from reality.

The answer is the Promise of Love.

It’s fun to watch people fumble around on first dates (as opposed to being the one fumbling). I get to experience a couples beginning with them…and I can judge all I want with no tension and no expectations. I can sit back in my PJs with a bowl of popcorn while the girls get all dressed up and taken out on wild excursions that leave you wondering “how couldn’t a girl fall for this guy?”

Yet every season the couples flounder once they are whisked from La-La land back to real “reality”. It’s the same ole thing. Guy meets hot girl. Guy also meets semi-hot girl. (Oh no! What to do!?!) Guy likes semi-hot girl better, but can’t leave hot girl behind until after fantasy dates. Guy picks hot girl, breaks semi-hot girl’s heart. Hot guy hot girl break up. The end.

So in partial jest, I give you Top Ten Things I’d Like to See on ‘Bachelor Pad’.

10-I’d like to see a fight. Oh, I know the contestants get kicked off the show if they throw the first blow, but come on…they’re not really there for the girl anyway. Stop with the puffing chests and tests of masculinity and just nail the guy in the jaw. Become my real hero. If I were the Bachelorette I just might look you up after the show. (Granted there’s no one hotter than you, of course.)

9-I’d like to see a “real reality date”. How about grocery shopping in Food-4-Less where the clerks are grumpy and there’s kids screaming everywhere and you’ve got to bag your own shit, cart it home, unload it into a packed refrigerator, then make dinner from scratch and do the dishes afterward…and all that after working a 9-5. How’s that for reality? My heart’s swooning already.

8-The uber-hot guy fall for the geeky girl. Wait…that might be my reality.

7-I’d like to see contestants without makeup. It might be a test of true beauty, don’t you think? If you’re watching this season, you have to know Tenley. She’s absolutely stunning. Thin. Tone. Long blonde hair. Bright blue eyes. But she wears about 10 tons of makeup. I wonder what she’s hiding underneath that plaster…

6-Someone actually fall in love. I know there have been a few shows where the couples move on and get married and have kids. (*See Trista Sutter and Jason Mesnick) But isn’t this supposed to be a show where people leave their baggage behind to find love? Or is it an excuse for hot singles to lounge in the sun while stabbing each other in the back? The answer, sadly, is obvious.

5-I want to know how old Gwen is. Did you notice when they streamline her name, occupation an age, the age section shows this: ?? I have two theories. She’s either a really good looking 50 year old woman who has invested in Botox and the best plastic surgery around and doesn’t think anyone will pick her if they know her true age. Or she’s a vampire and wouldn’t want to tip anyone off by saying she’s five hundred years, eleven months, and twenty eight days old. I’m rooting for the second option.

4-I’d like to see someone pick Chris Harrison. He’s got to be the hottest host around. Wouldn’t that be great if one of the women in the house decided she’d rather go with someone more mature…more in touch with his emotions…someone whose salary could make all her worries disappear with the swipe of his VISA.

3-Follow up with the contestants who’ve been kicked off. I just wonder if the producers could get clearance into their mental hospitals…

2-I’d like to see the producers take away the cash prize half way through and watch them scatter like rats leaving a sinking ship in order to expose how shallow they really are. Unless you’re Elizabeth who “is not shallow, but doesn’t know what shallow means”.

And the number one thing I’d like to see on ‘Bachelor Pad’ is…

1-I’d like to see someone in one of the couples (ie: Tenley, Kiptyn, Elizabeth, Kovacs, Dave, Natalie) go all the way to the end. I’d like to see them in love. I’d like to see them promise to spend the money together. EXCEPT…I’d like them to be upfront about the game. Wouldn’t that be great if, up until the finale, you thought the couple was madly in love, only to find out that it was IN FACT a game to win $250,000? I could see Tenley now: “Kiptyn, I love you! Omigosh, we won the money? You’re giving it all up for me? Wow! You must really love me…is the game over yet?” *looks to producers and gets the thumbs up while cameras still roll* “Great.” *looks back to Kiptyn* “I have to tell you something. I came here to win the money. Now that I have, I’m going home the same way I came. Alone. Thanks for making this partnership stronger by investing your feelings…but now I’m going to invest your money.” *kisses Kiptyn on the cheek and leaves, waving the cash in front of her face like a fan*

See? Wouldn’t that make a great ending? Like I said. The reason I watch these shows is the Promise of Love. But the reality is that these relationships hardly ever work. We all know in the back of our minds that these couples will split faster than BPs executives after the gulf oil spill.

It’s just fun to watch the contestants suffer through the process.

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Bachelorette: Pararomance Style

Oh, Bachelorette, how I don’t envy thee. I’m going to write a Bachelorette re-do Pararomance Style because, well, because it’s damn fun to poke fingers at people who put themselves on shameless reality tv “to find true love”. On to the set-up…

After being on last season of The Bachelor, in which Ali turned down a chance at love for work, wait…isn’t that the point of the show? To find love? To leave your life behind in hopes of joining his? Poor, confused girl must’ve discovered she was simply in desperate need of a vacation.

Anyway, Ali is now the star of her own show The Bachelorette. A dizzying number of guys came onto the show looking for their ten minutes of fame and love. (That’s the right order, let’s be honest.) She’s now down to four guys and is about to go to their hometowns and meet their families. I could write a hilarious ending for the final four who are her actual picks but where’s the fun in that? Some of those guys *ahem*Kirk*choke*cough…pardon me, I had a really boring bug in my throat…like I was saying, some of those guys are too flat–er, nice. Yeah, they’re too nice to throw under the bus. Here are my picks for the spoof date:


Rated Rude Justin Rego has to be there because he couldn’t further his career as a soap opera wrestler, uh, I mean as a pro entertainment wrestler, if he doesn’t get air time.

Wimpy Weatherman Jonathan needs be be involved in case the outlook on the date changes from lame to stormy with chance of meatballs.

Rico Suave Roberto is nice to look at and he’s just as smooth pitching on the baseball field as he is swinging through the air at Broadway’s Lion King.

Krazy Kacey has to make an appearance because, let’s face it, Ali needs someone who can guard and protect her heart. And she couldn’t do that without a stranger offering his wrist to tattoo.

Their date should take place somewhere dangerous to make my story more interesting…an erupting volcano! No, wait, the producers beat me to it. How about a glacier in a ice/sleet/wind storm! Nope, beat me to it again. Damn, they’re into torture too. Okay, okay, how about on top of a tiny platform on the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco? Yeah, that’s out of left field…sounds about right.

It’s dark and windy as Wimpy Weatherman Jonathan and Ali climb the final staircase to the bridge’s platform, the other men trail behind carrying the dinner setup like trail donkeys.

Jonathan: It’s dark and windy, Ali, you should take my hand.
Ali: (takes hand) Thank you. Look at the view from up here. The city lights are beautiful.
Jonathan: Yeah, and the low pressure system moving in is stunning too.
Ali: (looks at him bug-eyed) What were your parents like? Do you have any siblings? Where do you live? What will I see in your hometown? Will your parents like me?
Jonathan: (trips on final stair after realizing he hasn’t asked a single question about her in 3 weeks) I’m not so comfortable without my blue screen so you’ll have to excuse my nerves.
Ali: That’s all right, I learned all about your nerves the date of the swimsuit calendar. That ducky wraparound floatie looked great on you.
Jonathan: Thanks. There’s something to be said about a man who gets into the water with caution.

(Ali, bored out of her wits, leans over rail to gaze at sharks circling beneath them, looses footing just as Kacey skids to her side and braces her around the middle.)

Kacey: (in a Kermit-the-Frog-air-bubble-need-to-clear-his-throat-voice) I’ve got you, Ali. I’ve got your heart.
Ali: (winded and more worried about the stalker-determination in his eyes than the hungry sharks) Thank you, Kacey.
Kacey: Here, sit down. (hovers as she sits criss-cross-applesauce on the blanket he’s laid out, then sits right next to her) I made you something. (takes a note of his pocket and hands it to her)
Ali: (opens note and reads aloud) ‘Ali, I’m the one who’s going to guard and protect your heart. Do you like me? Check Yes or No.’ Gee, Kacey, that drawing of a shield and rose are real pretty.
Kacey: Thanks. I tattooed that design along with a stenciled picture of your face to my backside. Want to see? (starts to move, she stops him)
Ali: That’s all right Kacey, there are more important things I need to know like if you’re genuine.
Kacey: Well I’m going to guard and protect your heart. If that’s not genuine I don’t know what is.
Ali: Well we just met so–
Kacey: You deserve someone who will guard and protect your heart. And I will be the one to guard and protect your heart. You deserve–
Ali: I got it! I got it…Where’s a hot pro athlete who looks good and keeps his mouth shut when you need one?

(Roberto comes flying in from a bridge cable, still in green and yellow Lion King leotard. Lands stable on platform, hands on hips, then smiles ear to ear showing Enrigue Iglesius who’s the real Latin stallion. Ali claps wildly.)

Jonathan: Temperature just warmed up 10 degrees up here.
Kacey: (rubs backside where ink from fake tattoo drips south)
Ali: That was wonderful Roberto!
Roberto: Thanks. I’ve been practicing since our Broadway date.
Ali: I don’t know a single thing about you but it doesn’t matter. You’re cute and not crazy, and right now that’s all that matters to me.
Roberto: Want me to show you how to throw a curve ball?
Ali: After just talking about not being crazy, sure, I’d love a curve ball! It’s cold and windy, and there’s hardly enough room to stand up here with the three of you but sure! This seems natural and not forced at all!

(Roberto pulls baseball from leotard–no need to mention from where. He tosses it to her. She drops it. Kacey rushes to pick it up and hands it to her.)
Jonathan: You should throw a couple degrees to the right, Ali, to account for wind velocity.
Ali: Thanks for looking out, guys. (Tosses ball back to Roberto.)

(Rated Rude Justin Rego finally gimps up final stair and snatches the ball mid-air. His crutches fall to the floor.)

Justin: Why don’t you let me show you how a real man wins over a woman? (He climbs back down the flight of stairs and back up again.) See? I’d climb a mountain for you, Ali.
Ali: But that was just a staircase.
Justin: But I’m on crutches and that makes it more meaningful.
Ali: You’re right. I’m here to find a husband and that shows me how qualified you are. How do I know you’re here for the right reasons?
Justin: (opens shirt, showing “Rated R”, and growls as only pro pathetic wrestlers know how) I’m here for the right reasons, Ali. I care about you more than any other. You have to believe me.

(Ali smiles despite herself and feels the first rumblings of an earthquake. She grips the railing and watches the men scramble while a 6.0 rocks the faultline hovering bridge. Roberto jumps onto the cable swinging to and fro, wraps his legs around and lets out a tarzan-y, yet very Brooklyn-sounding battle cry. Jonathan searches the clouds for answers, finds none, and sucks his thumb. Justin jerks his cell phone out of his pocket and dials frantically.)

Justin: (into phone) I’m so sorry! I came here for all the wrong reasons! I care about you more than any other! You have to believe me! Sarah! Jessica! Emily! Katrina! Which one are you again?

Ali: (eyes bugging out even more, thinks back to what he said) Wait a minute! You just said all that to me! The guys in the house were right! How is that possible? They lived with you for 3 weeks and I knew you for…well…for a couple hours when you were on your best behavior! How could I have been wrong about you?!?

Kacey: (runs to Ali, falls on his face, scrambles to his feet. He grips her around the waist, and guides her down the staircase by shoving her in front of him.) I’ll protect you Ali! I’m here to guard and protect your heart! I’m sincere and genuine and I’ll prove it! I’ll protect you because even though we just met your heart deserves to be protected!
Ali: Kacey no! (trips on stair, falls flat on lower platform)

Conan O’Brien: (comes to rescue, kneels beside Ali) Who?!? Who would do this to you, Ali? Who? Tell me who!
Jonathan: (takes thumb out of mouth and looks to Ali and Conan who are snuggled into an embrace) The future just got a whole lot foggier.

To be continued…