Bachelorette: Pararomance Style

Oh, Bachelorette, how I don’t envy thee. I’m going to write a Bachelorette re-do Pararomance Style because, well, because it’s damn fun to poke fingers at people who put themselves on shameless reality tv “to find true love”. On to the set-up…

After being on last season of The Bachelor, in which Ali turned down a chance at love for work, wait…isn’t that the point of the show? To find love? To leave your life behind in hopes of joining his? Poor, confused girl must’ve discovered she was simply in desperate need of a vacation.

Anyway, Ali is now the star of her own show The Bachelorette. A dizzying number of guys came onto the show looking for their ten minutes of fame and love. (That’s the right order, let’s be honest.) She’s now down to four guys and is about to go to their hometowns and meet their families. I could write a hilarious ending for the final four who are her actual picks but where’s the fun in that? Some of those guys *ahem*Kirk*choke*cough…pardon me, I had a really boring bug in my throat…like I was saying, some of those guys are too flat–er, nice. Yeah, they’re too nice to throw under the bus. Here are my picks for the spoof date:


Rated Rude Justin Rego has to be there because he couldn’t further his career as a soap opera wrestler, uh, I mean as a pro entertainment wrestler, if he doesn’t get air time.

Wimpy Weatherman Jonathan needs be be involved in case the outlook on the date changes from lame to stormy with chance of meatballs.

Rico Suave Roberto is nice to look at and he’s just as smooth pitching on the baseball field as he is swinging through the air at Broadway’s Lion King.

Krazy Kacey has to make an appearance because, let’s face it, Ali needs someone who can guard and protect her heart. And she couldn’t do that without a stranger offering his wrist to tattoo.

Their date should take place somewhere dangerous to make my story more interesting…an erupting volcano! No, wait, the producers beat me to it. How about a glacier in a ice/sleet/wind storm! Nope, beat me to it again. Damn, they’re into torture too. Okay, okay, how about on top of a tiny platform on the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco? Yeah, that’s out of left field…sounds about right.

It’s dark and windy as Wimpy Weatherman Jonathan and Ali climb the final staircase to the bridge’s platform, the other men trail behind carrying the dinner setup like trail donkeys.

Jonathan: It’s dark and windy, Ali, you should take my hand.
Ali: (takes hand) Thank you. Look at the view from up here. The city lights are beautiful.
Jonathan: Yeah, and the low pressure system moving in is stunning too.
Ali: (looks at him bug-eyed) What were your parents like? Do you have any siblings? Where do you live? What will I see in your hometown? Will your parents like me?
Jonathan: (trips on final stair after realizing he hasn’t asked a single question about her in 3 weeks) I’m not so comfortable without my blue screen so you’ll have to excuse my nerves.
Ali: That’s all right, I learned all about your nerves the date of the swimsuit calendar. That ducky wraparound floatie looked great on you.
Jonathan: Thanks. There’s something to be said about a man who gets into the water with caution.

(Ali, bored out of her wits, leans over rail to gaze at sharks circling beneath them, looses footing just as Kacey skids to her side and braces her around the middle.)

Kacey: (in a Kermit-the-Frog-air-bubble-need-to-clear-his-throat-voice) I’ve got you, Ali. I’ve got your heart.
Ali: (winded and more worried about the stalker-determination in his eyes than the hungry sharks) Thank you, Kacey.
Kacey: Here, sit down. (hovers as she sits criss-cross-applesauce on the blanket he’s laid out, then sits right next to her) I made you something. (takes a note of his pocket and hands it to her)
Ali: (opens note and reads aloud) ‘Ali, I’m the one who’s going to guard and protect your heart. Do you like me? Check Yes or No.’ Gee, Kacey, that drawing of a shield and rose are real pretty.
Kacey: Thanks. I tattooed that design along with a stenciled picture of your face to my backside. Want to see? (starts to move, she stops him)
Ali: That’s all right Kacey, there are more important things I need to know like if you’re genuine.
Kacey: Well I’m going to guard and protect your heart. If that’s not genuine I don’t know what is.
Ali: Well we just met so–
Kacey: You deserve someone who will guard and protect your heart. And I will be the one to guard and protect your heart. You deserve–
Ali: I got it! I got it…Where’s a hot pro athlete who looks good and keeps his mouth shut when you need one?

(Roberto comes flying in from a bridge cable, still in green and yellow Lion King leotard. Lands stable on platform, hands on hips, then smiles ear to ear showing Enrigue Iglesius who’s the real Latin stallion. Ali claps wildly.)

Jonathan: Temperature just warmed up 10 degrees up here.
Kacey: (rubs backside where ink from fake tattoo drips south)
Ali: That was wonderful Roberto!
Roberto: Thanks. I’ve been practicing since our Broadway date.
Ali: I don’t know a single thing about you but it doesn’t matter. You’re cute and not crazy, and right now that’s all that matters to me.
Roberto: Want me to show you how to throw a curve ball?
Ali: After just talking about not being crazy, sure, I’d love a curve ball! It’s cold and windy, and there’s hardly enough room to stand up here with the three of you but sure! This seems natural and not forced at all!

(Roberto pulls baseball from leotard–no need to mention from where. He tosses it to her. She drops it. Kacey rushes to pick it up and hands it to her.)
Jonathan: You should throw a couple degrees to the right, Ali, to account for wind velocity.
Ali: Thanks for looking out, guys. (Tosses ball back to Roberto.)

(Rated Rude Justin Rego finally gimps up final stair and snatches the ball mid-air. His crutches fall to the floor.)

Justin: Why don’t you let me show you how a real man wins over a woman? (He climbs back down the flight of stairs and back up again.) See? I’d climb a mountain for you, Ali.
Ali: But that was just a staircase.
Justin: But I’m on crutches and that makes it more meaningful.
Ali: You’re right. I’m here to find a husband and that shows me how qualified you are. How do I know you’re here for the right reasons?
Justin: (opens shirt, showing “Rated R”, and growls as only pro pathetic wrestlers know how) I’m here for the right reasons, Ali. I care about you more than any other. You have to believe me.

(Ali smiles despite herself and feels the first rumblings of an earthquake. She grips the railing and watches the men scramble while a 6.0 rocks the faultline hovering bridge. Roberto jumps onto the cable swinging to and fro, wraps his legs around and lets out a tarzan-y, yet very Brooklyn-sounding battle cry. Jonathan searches the clouds for answers, finds none, and sucks his thumb. Justin jerks his cell phone out of his pocket and dials frantically.)

Justin: (into phone) I’m so sorry! I came here for all the wrong reasons! I care about you more than any other! You have to believe me! Sarah! Jessica! Emily! Katrina! Which one are you again?

Ali: (eyes bugging out even more, thinks back to what he said) Wait a minute! You just said all that to me! The guys in the house were right! How is that possible? They lived with you for 3 weeks and I knew you for…well…for a couple hours when you were on your best behavior! How could I have been wrong about you?!?

Kacey: (runs to Ali, falls on his face, scrambles to his feet. He grips her around the waist, and guides her down the staircase by shoving her in front of him.) I’ll protect you Ali! I’m here to guard and protect your heart! I’m sincere and genuine and I’ll prove it! I’ll protect you because even though we just met your heart deserves to be protected!
Ali: Kacey no! (trips on stair, falls flat on lower platform)

Conan O’Brien: (comes to rescue, kneels beside Ali) Who?!? Who would do this to you, Ali? Who? Tell me who!
Jonathan: (takes thumb out of mouth and looks to Ali and Conan who are snuggled into an embrace) The future just got a whole lot foggier.

To be continued…

So You Think You Can Dance Rocks!

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it before but I’m a HUGE fan of So You Think You Can Dance. Maybe it’s the seven years of ballet under my belt…or the sixteen years of baton twirling…or the seven years of cheerleading…oh, I’m sure it’s the fact that I could never in my wildest dreams come close to their level of perfection. I’d like to think it’s because I appreciate beauty in all its forms with writing and literature being no exception. Whichever the reason, the show is awesome.

Last night the show took a flawless ballet dancer and paired him against a “pro” hip-hopper. The performance gave me chills, had me laughing out loud, clapping with the beat, and had me on my feet at the end before I knew what I was doing. The routine was awesome, perfectly played up to the male ballerina’s strengths.

I knew I was going to like it from the start. The premise is a ballerina who’s in therapy to fix his ways and get more funky. Right up my alley as my bachelors degree is in Psychology…LOVED IT.

In order to get a true appreciation for how good Alex Wong is in his own right, you should watch this video first. It looks like he’s at some sort of solo competition and is, once again, flawless.

Wasn’t that worth rooting for? Oh yeah. I’m shifting from Team Billy B. to Team Alex Rock.

Conflict and Judge Judy

I have heaps of conflict! I don’t know where it comes from, but my writing is chuck full of it. I went through my WIP (you can now read details about both my manuscripts in the “snippets” tab above, fyi), and realized that each character is conflicted with another and with themselves about something. Good stuff. I don’t know how it happened…I certainly didn’t plan each internal/external conflict out on paper before I started. It just ended up that way.

My very first story (which is not included in the “snippets” because I’m not seeking publication for that one) didn’t have enough conflict…okay, it had very little which is why I think it’s unpublishable in the first place. It’s like I went from one extreme to the next. No conflict to toil, toil, boil and bubble.

So then I got to wondering…where did all this conflict come from? After much time watching my favorite shows yesterday (hey, you have to unload your TiVo at some point), I realized the answer was staring me in the face.

This is my TiVo queue:

Spongebob Squarepants: 8
Dora the Explorer: 4
Amazing Race: 1
Survivor: 1
Wedding Crashers: 1
Judge Judy: 22

Wait…

Did you get that? 22 Judge Judy’s? Therein lies my conflict.

I watch waaaaay too many of cases of betrayal, broken trust, lies, more lies, degradation, separation, child support frauds, insurance frauds, broken leases, broken relationships, yada, yada. To be honest I don’t watch any other television shows as religiously as Judge Judy.


She tells it like it is–gets straight to the point and doesn’t fool around. She wades through that conflict like it’s easy-breezy Sunday morning.

And I absolutely love it. Honestly, I think my love for the show has more to do with the fact that it works the logic side of my brain for awhile, giving my creative side a break. After hours creating stories of my own it’s nice to sit back and think about things in different ways; have stories laid out for me by a master storyteller in a black robe with white doily fringe.

All doily fringe aside, whatever gets me watching Judge Judy is working…yesterday I put my hero and heroine in the stickiest of situations. She realizes she loves him minutes before he reveals he’s her sworn enemy. Love. It.

Bachelor: Pararomance Style

If you’ve watched The Bachelor this season you know the finale airs Monday.

Just-A-Good-Guy-Jake has to chose between Too-Good-To-Be-True-Tenley and Cross-Eyed-Vixen-Vienna. I don’t know how the ending is going to play out. (Okay, maybe I peeked at RealitySteve awhile back. Maybe…)

But this is how I think the ending should go. And I’ll even toss in an expected Bachelor twist (oxymoron, anyone?) and obscene, waaaay over the top crying that’s bound to rear its ugly head.

Jake: I’ve got these two amazing girls and I’ve fallen in love with both of them. At the end of the day I’ve got to break one of their hearts. Gosh-golly-gee (grin and dimple shot), I just don’t know what I’m going to do.

(Enter Vienna swinging hips. Baw-chicka-ba-wa music playing in background)

Vienna: Jake, can I talk to you for a minute? (hushed voice, mikes barely pick up)

Jake: Sure, but we’re about to start the finale and the producers want to take one last picture of me on my Harley in front of the sunset as this jet streaks by.

(Jet streaks by)

Vienna: (Looks into his eyes with her one good eye, then her other one.) I love you, Jake. I just want to be with you. You’re not like other guys. You look past my freakish dressing up dogs fetish and see right through me…to me.

Jake: Yes. I do. And I love that you wear your bikini when we sail even though it’s twenty degrees outside. Gee-wiz Vienna, you’re swell. I’ll see you at the rose ceremony.

(Vienna crushes her lips to his in a too-forced-fevered moment, then exits, leaving him with do-anything-to-bone-her-eyes and red lips.)

(Enter Tenley who dances on tiptoe, arms overhead, to the Sound of Music)

Tenley: Jake, I’ve waited all day to tell you this one thing.

Jake: Yes Tenley?

(Bird chirps and lands on the tip of her finger)

Tenley: I love you better than my ex-husband. My ex-husband treated me bad. He wasn’t a good husband and cheated on me. But I’m over my ex-husband. I really am over him. I am. Really. See?

(Tenley dances around Jake as wood animals gather to watch and sing.)

Tenley: My ex-husband never appreciated my dancing. But you do. Not like my ex-husband, who I’m so over. Did I mention I’m over my ex-husband?

Jake: Yes you did. But I don’t care anyway because I’m blinded by the reality of all these fantasy dates. I loved your dance. No one has ever danced for me before. Not even the girls at Centerfolds. (delete during editing: goes against good-boy-image. replace with No one has ever danced for me before. Not even my mother.)

Tenley: I’ve never felt this way. Not even with my ex-husband.

Jake: I’ve never felt this way before either. (His wicked-white fangs elongate. He taps one with his tongue and smiles.) Tenley, something is happening.

Tenley: (Does three fouettes, her dress a flare behind her. Doesn’t see Jake’s fangs or crimson eyes) I know something’s happening inside me too, Jake! Isn’t it wonderful? The animals are cheering for us!

Jake: No, I think they’re warning you. (Lunges at Tenley’s throat and bites through her jugular, then tilts her back and lies her down on the grass. Sucks hungrily)

(Enter Vienna who thinks they’re gratuitously making out)

Vienna: NO! Jake! I thought you loved me! Where’s a therapeutic shopping spree when a girl needs one? Daddy?!? (Runs away, sobbing into hands)

(Jake detaches from Tenley’s neck. Licks traces of her blood from his lips as jet flies by again.)

Tenley: (touches wound on neck) I should’ve never left my ex-husband!

Jake: It’s time for this Bachelor to depart. I’ve gotta date with Kristen Stewart from Twilight and I’m gonna show her what it really means to be “a nice guy”. Sorry Tenley. Sometimes good girls finish last too. Gosh-golly, maybe if you show some cleavage you could be the next Bachelorette.

(He grins, dimples and all, then vanishes, giving Bachelor its highest ratings to date.)

So whatcha think about my version? I think it’s pretty good. I like Jake better this way for some reason…can’t think of why…*wink. (Then I vanish to the couch to watch what’s really going to happen…)

Heroes reducing themselves to Homer Status


Are you watching this season of Survivor? If you’ve been one of the few living under a rock, allow me to enlighten you. The All-Stars are back. Big time. And they’re split into two categories: Heroes and Villains.

The thing I find funny is that in a group of back-stabbing, shit-talking, game-playing villains, a select few (ahem-Boston Rob) are stepping up their game, helping out around camp, and looking more like heroes than they villains they’ve been labeled as.

And likewise at the hero camp, there are those who are looking more like villains by the way they’re cursing out their own team and sabotaging team wins. Gravedigger James disrespected Stephenie as she was leaving by telling her to “Shut her mouth.” Doesn’t sound like much of a man, let alone a hero, to me.

Many times during this week’s show contestants were surprised by the change of character in others. Really? Does it surprise you that a villain would eventually step up to get the work done in a camp that has nothing? Or a hero would lower themselves to berating others when stress-levels soar? (Haven’t we all been guilty of this?) Didn’t surprise me at all.

Maybe that’s because I was a teacher.

Teachers know that in any classroom, even ones filled with college-bound, eager-to-learn, straight-A students, a disruptive student ALWAYS steps up to bat. ALWAYS. And in a classroom full of disruptive students (that’s why we don’t track anymore, people), there will be a few who sit quietly and do their work, giving the teacher the breath of fresh air that keeps them from strangling the others. (Just being honest here. Personally, I would NEVER, EVER think of doing something that violent…*insert glowing halo and heavenly music here.)

Students and survivors alike fill the roles needed at the time. That’s why it doesn’t do any good to stereotype and label. Survivor Season 20 is a PERFECT example of that. It’s still good reality TV though. 🙂

Go Boston Rob! Who are you siding with?